My Life As Orochimaru (SI)
by 2Royal2Jello
Summary: I wake up in Orochimaru's body. Will I steal everyone's body? Will I sacrifice children to the great snake Manda? Find out more in My Life As Orochimaru. Self insert genre.
1. Chapter 1

_Snakes, cobwebs flashing in my face. A pair of human eyes. Images mostly moving too fast, and feudal buildings. Weird things from across history._

 _'This is a particularly odd dream.'_

 _More flashing images and a snake's life cycle. A glimpse of it anticipating whether to attack a tarantula. Its body coiled up ready to spring, incapable of anything besides attacking or fleeing for lack of limbs. The tarantula manages to poison the snake as it connects._

 _I feel mildly uncomfortable-_

I'm in bed. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately, but that's not really important. What is important is that when I go to grab my phone to see what's new on Fanfiction my room is different. For one thing, there are no windows here, so it took me a second to notice. Good signs are that no one else is here so I scooch upwards and lean against the wall behind the bed.

At least I didn't fall off the bed, that would've been a bit embarrassing.

I glance down and freeze when I notice that my arm is pale. Then I immediately notice that my body didn't resemble mine at all. Fuck sakes, what is this? I palm my face and squeeze my temples. Way too early in the morning.

Eventually, I applied the band aid method and removed my palm to look at my new body. It was at least 10 years older than mine. I groan audibly.

 _Well_... _Let it not be said that I feel like my body has been altered._ I feel like I had a brain transplant - I feel perfectly fine. I'm more interested in perusing the room than examining myself.

As for the body... This man is _deathly_ pale... Like super deathly pale. But on the bright side he seemed to have been exercising frequently. You can't really ignore waking up feeling better than ever, so whoever who had owned it before me must have kept it well. As for the room... the walls were made of some old wood, and the ceiling looked like it belong to some sort of makeshift tunnel. There were candles placed around on the floor, and the only way I could tell that it was daytime was my internal body clock.

There was a bookshelf with what I think looked like scrolls.. Aaaannndddd I'm starting to think something is _really_ afoot.

 _Well, no time like the present._ I roll out of bed, make my way towards the shelf and lo and behold there are scrolls on _ninjutsu_. _Naruto_ things. This place lacks a mirror but I don't think it's going to take a genius to put 2 and 2 together here.

.

I look down, turn over my palms and raise the callused fingers up to my eye level. Shit!

Shit. Fucking shit, probably smaller penis too.

I checked. Damn.

...

I'm pretty sure I'm Sir Snake himself, what with the different body frame and all. I'd kill to see my reflection in his Kusanagi blade, but whatever.

Actually-a-snake man himself. I mean, to some degree it is _cool_ though. You know what - screw it! Why not. I wouldn't mind having magic powers. It's a bit limited compared to something like Harry Potter, but Orochimaru was _the **king**_ of pulling deus ex machina magic out of his magical ass anyway.

I clear my throat and annunciate, "Ahem". _Man that is raspy._ If there was any doubt in my mind before, it's certainly gone now. With these reedy tones, it's a surprise this guy - me now - was ever left near kids. Or was he? Konoha seems to like that, always assuming that ninja aren't sociopaths...

Look what that gets you, a twice-destroyed village. Or three times, I think. Who cares, they get what is coming to them. Meanwhile I get _delicccious test subjectsssssss_.

Actually, didn't Orochimaru have something to do with an orphanage?

Whatever, unimportant. Better point is, why the fuck are there scrolls here on reptile sexual organs?

I'll have to go through the existential crisis about being an actual snake later. What I really want is that damn sword, and I can't begin my attempt without making sure the coast is clear. I already have an approach in mind. I quickly skulk over to the wood door, creak it open and glance in both directions. Two empty corridors. Also dead silent movement, which is _nice_ to have as a habit. I close the door and skip back in.

 _Okay, let's begin._

"Sword... _come out!_ " I annunciate. " _Kusa..._ NAGI! Sword summon! GO GO-DAGGER MOUTH!"

Weird voice. Still sounds like I'm hissing. And this is obviously going nowhere. Where the fuck is Kabuto? Surely he would know.

 _ **Shit!** Kabuto_. Now I have to pretend to be Orochimaru. Why couldn't I have been Danzo or someone else? Sheesh. Atleast then I'd have endless willing - mindless - slaves. Probably hot ones.

Maybe Anko was one? Hum.

I could probably take on Danzo. Maybe. Although that reminds me, I actually need to learn how to fight or I'd be bisected. And hell if it were likely Orochimaru ever wrote up his abilities and left them lying around _somewhere_. On that note, why couldn't Orochimaru ever learn sage mode? Isn't that easier for animals? Is it even possible for me? Hssssssssss

I'm probably going to never get sick of annoying people like a snake. Hssssssssss-Right, the sword.

I'm halfway through attempting to induce vomit when a knock comes at the door.

 _"Orochimaru-sama? Breakfast,"_ the door adds in a remarkably chirpy voice, which I tentatively label as Kabuto.

I cough and briefly decide if he should come back later. "Hm. Leave it for now. I'm _musing._ " _Note to self: find out when it is._

 _"Yes, sir,"_ he replied curtly, but I got the impression that he lingered momentarily.

I paused, "Also, I would like to know how _things_ are-in Konoha." I almost asked, 'how are things?', but that would've been stupid since Orochimaru was some all-knowing bastard. Like Morgan Freeman.

 _"Right away, Lord Orochimaru."_ I can hear him walk off.

Sadly it was looking like I would have to have Kabuto guide me to all my labs. Time to muster up my inner diva and be entitled... everywhere. But first, enough thinking.

Chakra time.

I decide to close my eyes and think of Dragonball.

...

..

I'm halfway through Rock The Dragon when I notice that yes, while I can't really feel it, it's there. Neat. I think I can also feel my 'true snake form' conformed to my body. That's **mildly** peculiar, but I once had a sandwich with mayonnaise, avocado _and_ olive oil and this is nothing by comparison.

I can feel a small seal in my throat, and while I don't activate it, I have a decent idea how to get the Kusanagi to work. My guess is that the chakra may be hard to feel because it might just be everywhere all over my body. I'm not sure how else I would be able to use the stretching technique.

Fuckin' eh though. I can use chakra!

And I have Kusanagi! Seriously, this day is just getting better and better.

I search the room and put on one of the stack of black polos and grey trousers, and then plop on his iconic white robes. No luck with the thick purple rope belt thing. Seriously, fuck this guy for picking _that_ as the outfit. After a good 10 minutes of what I can only assume is muscle memory I tie the damn thing. Fucking Orochimaru.

I blank my facial expression and make my way outside. Sigh, 2 corridors and one splits. Fucking _Orochimaru_. I pick a random corridor and start spotting underlings in the corridor and attached rooms. Through all the cowering, I notice that a lot look like civilians, and not ninja, so they might have had bloodlines or something to make them _less useless_. I pass the presumably acceptable mooks and practice extending my fingers. _Exxccellent, hss hss.  
_

After skulking past _enough_ minions, I spot Kabuto in a large empty lab area. Big steel table, medical cabinets, filing cabinets and such. Neat.

" _Hello_ Kabuto-kun. Have you found much information on Konoha yet?"

He turns to look at me with minor tension, but that's what I like to see in my subordinates. Muhahahaha. But really, I suppose my walking must be a lot less detectable than I'd anticipated. Much Buenos.

"Lord Orochimaru. I did not want to bother you in your study." Study? Really? It was 4 walls, a bed and some shelves. "Danzo-sama seemed to be focused on border missions and removing surrounding ninja. As you might have already guessed, it is likely that they are considering foreign affairs of some kind. Your other spies have reported Sasuke's growth has been the same. Perhaps he will be placed in a team with the jinchuriki teen?"

I did a minor 'kukuku' laugh. Judging by Kabuto's response, I assume that it's appropriately evil and hammy. " _Good_ , good. And _Itachi?_ " I say, taking the prompt from the Sasuke comment.

"He is heading towards Mist with Kisame Hoshigaki-san. Shall we gather his former partner, Jūzō Biwa's body for the Edo Tensei?"

"Yes, yes," I waved my hand off. No idea who that is. "Later." I said, looking over his table. It had a set of vials labelled 'Shimabukuro Strand' followed by a number. Probably was the reduced blood of some experiment. More _probably_ it'll be injected into someone else in some stupid feudal _"super biology"_.

I take this opportunity to examine Kabuto at work, with his serial killer-meets-Harry Potter kind of dedication. Literal mad skills. "Anything _else_?"

"Not currently, Orochimaru-sama."

I resist the urge to skulk like a cat and stride off in an measured manner. I would have asked Kabuto where my _more informative_ minions are, but he'd probably direct me to somewhere I don't know. Does Orochimaru simply tolerate this lack of intel or does he just not care about anything besides experimenting? I should demand written reports.

Now, what else is in this dump. I pick some more random corridors. I choose the one moving slightly upwards... and it looks as though a few of my loyal mooks live down this passageway. I spot Jirōbō's name on his door, and at least recognise that he was one of the Sound Four-I think. That or someone with a close enough name. Still, he's not here so I proceed onward to some downward lobby.

As I come closer I can hear some commotion happening, so I decide to slow my approach.

"I will _not_ be taken down that easily!" growled a voice from somewhere below, followed by loud slapping noises.

" _Earth Release: Earth Flow Spears!_ " exclaimed another, followed by a wet noises and a screech.

 _Really_? They actually say this? What if they mispronounced it? I wanted to bang my head against the wall. Actually, I should invent a technique for that. Be known for embarrassing people, _and_ killing them.

I entered the room silently, and it turns out to be an arena. I'm vaguely sure that this must've been in the anime somewhere. Random fighting pits would suit Orochimaru - my style. I walk casually and join some red headed woman to glance over the railings and watch the match.

One them obviously screwed up, and he had his leg impaled with earth spikes. I just found it kind of bizarre, like I was watching a dramatic cosplay enactment. Especially with the mooks wearing forehead protectors that I guessed that I apparently kidnapped or something. Most were from Iwa, which I think was the land of Earth. I drifted my eyes to the other unrecognisable mook in the arena. He was swaying and reminding me how much I really want to get drunk.

 _I wonder if I should make the mispronouncing technique an alcohol mist?_

"O-Orochimaru-sama. I'm surprised you came down here. The pits seem _below you,_ " spoke the red head with some general malevolence. I decided not to turn straight away because I didn't want to not look all-knowing.

"Mm." I replied, waving an innocuous hand towards the matches. "... And _how_ are my underlings?"

"Fuckin' amateurs. They couldn't dodge _genin._ "

"Genin don't perform ninjutsu." I replied neutrally.

" _Ahh,_ you know what I mean." She sighed in a too forced-casual manner. "I don't need a pep talk Orochimaru-sama, I will train them until they are much stronger. We will have a strong village."

Orochimaru had a village? _Ohh,_ that's right. _"Good._ And we certainly will _." Meh, that'll do.  
_

I slowly turn to examine her face. And man she is hot. She's somewhat familiar, whoever she is. It's dark in here, but I can make out most of what she looks like. She has an orange-pink coloured hair that comes out as a kind of red colour. She's clearly an adult. Definitely not Kushina though. Too young and jaded-looking for that.

I stare at her for a good few seconds, and thank _Jesus_ I actually noticed something to justify it. Alcohol!

Bless you snake nose.

"Sir?" she asks, looking at me with her big black irises.

"I notice that some of us are more prone to _celebrate_ than others..." I say suggestively, "Some people prefer _sake_."

Her eyes widen. _"I-I'm sorry,_ Orochimaru-sama. Konoha is weak, and me and the team wanted to celebrate with what we got from Tanzaku."

I took a long pause to ' _study_ ' her. Actually fuck being Danzo. I can be the creepiest man alive and be allowed to because I'm Orochimaru, and I don't die to a whiny kid.

She gulped, so I got to the point. "Hrm. That will have to be acceptable. We shall have _words_ , but for now..." I studied her face more closely. "Inform me of how your _team_ is operating."

She took out a flute. Ohhhh-it's _Tayuya_! Forgot about her. "Right. Um. Well we've been practicing with Kidōmaru's curse seal to see if my flute can slow people down while he does his super fast web move. Um... Sakon and Ukon also want to practice splitting off from one another, but it's dangerous and requires too much of the curse seal's chakra to get working. Isn't it odd that more chakra enhances abilities? Anyway, Jirōbō is off doing his thing somewhere. I'm pretty sure he is off training with _Kimimaro_."

... Wait, what the fuck!?

"Tayuya, can you remind me of how old you are?"

She looked surprised, "I'm 18, duh. Why would you even want to know that?"

what the FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK

* * *

A/N: Hey guys. This'll mostly be a late night, fun thing to write for practice.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I put in a bit of exposition on here. Might come back and make it funnier later, especially if it's boring. Eg delete all mention of the base, lol

* * *

I kept up my placid mask as well as I could have. Tayuya didn't seem to be affected by it in any way.

Deep breaths.

"I..."

What the SHIT. Was Kabuto like 5 years older than normal? I compartmentalised the thought for later. Think calm thoughts.

I paused. "I was considering whether we should introduce alcohol... As an incentive."

Tayuya briefly looked at me like I'd grown a second head, before slowly nodding. "So you wanted to _judge_ whether I should drink, based on my age," she said with added snark.

"Don't be silly. Age doesn't matter with alcohol. We're ninja." Um... "No, I was simply _curious whether_ your body had developed to the point that you could absorb it."

" _Oh!_ Well, you already know through my medical records."

I narrowed my eyes and she flinched. "Yes. Maybe we should undergo more testing so that I could _remember_ better?" Ahaha, I'm such a dick. I briefly paused and continued, "Walk with me to the exit. If you could help me find Kimimaro, that would be _much_ appreciated."

"Sir, what about the match?" She asked pointedly, for the injured mooks.

"What _about_ the match? Ask Jirōbō." That is, of course assuming that he is around here.

She slowly nodded and walked off to go get Jirōbō. Oh, _life is good._

But _what the fuck_ is going on in Konoha? If I'm not going insane and Tayuya was young in the story, then we should be in the 4th war arc! The story should've ended by now!

SHIT!

I need to see Konoha immediately. I'm going to get Kimimaro and we're going to get to the bottom of this.

.

.

Tayuya's back. Right, we're going to get to the bottom of this.

"Get to the bottom of what?" She asked, tilting her head.

Shit. Might as well. "Konoha." I said, looking back to her. Well, she's 18, so why not treat her like an adult. "Hiruzen- _kun_ has something brewing for me. I would like to assess something." Fuck if I know, but it'll probably be because of Konoha. EVERYTHING ELSE WAS.

Assuming that I'm right. I began walking as she trailed beside me. Good, now to _pretend not to be following her_.

"I didn't notice anything when I was there. Sasuke seemed fine." _Oh good! On the bright side maybe she can inform me how Konoha is going._

I scowled, "Recap me on Sasuke."

"Sasuke Uchiha: Age 16" I flinched, but she ignored it. "Attends Ninja Arts School Facility. Notable classmates are Tetsuo Toshi and Hinata Hyuuga. Can perform Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu fireball technique and is skilled in shuriken arts." Tayuya is 18 years old. Shit, she must be _at least_ Jounin by now and have noticed my flinch. But seems like she genuinely doesn't care. _Probably thinks that I'm assessing something._

Bless you Orochimaru and your cryptic ways. Here's hoping that Tayuya is busy happily anticipating alcohol. Though it's looking like there won't be any left by the time I'm drowning my sorrows.

Shit. Fuck the world! I haven't even come to terms with the fact that I'm a _SNAKE._

She finished reeling off, "The brat thinks he's the greatest thing on Kami's green earth, and if you offer him strength to kill Itachi he'll be putty for you to work with."

I nod. "Do you know who he will be taught under?"

"Best theory is Genma Shiranui. It was believed to have been Hatake Kakashi, but he has been seen running missions with an ANBU outside of Konoha."

We were approaching an unmarked door, that she proceeds to knock on. "Orochimaru-sama requires your assistance."

I heard a calm call of assent before I was quickly introduced with Kimimaro Kaguya's likeness. Huh... I wonder if he can constantly see red around his vision.

He bowed immediately. "You have graced me with your presence, Lord Orochimaru."

Of course I have. I am the greatest man alive! "I require you to join me on a journey to Konoha. I may need to _destroy_ a few things on the way."

"It would be my pleasure, my lord."

We kept walking.

"Kimimaro, can you say, 'Yes, my lord'? With that cadence?" I asked Kimimaro in curiosity.

"Certainly, Orochimaru-sama." He paused to get the inflection right, "Yes, my lord." Excellent.

I say the same. " _Excellent_ , Kimimaro. It may be necessary in the future." Like hell.

"-Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama!" called a woman as she power-walked to catch up with us. She had long black hair, pale skin and dark eyes. She was, naturally it seems for my female subordinates, really good looking. I assumed that this woman must be an elite jounin - she walked like strongest female ninja that I remembered in the anime. In _my_ base.

I _deigned_ myself to face her and her pretty body. _She dare try to get my attention with mere looks?! I must be wooed first_ _hssss_

She continued without missing a beat, "Will you return with Zaku? The team is unable to continue their practice regime without coordinating group attacks."

ARGH, c'moonnnnn. "Yes, yes. If it is _convenient_ I will do so. I had chosen his location for a reason." A reason of which I am unsure. _Testing? Seems to be the only thing Orochimaru_ does _._

"Yes. Of that I am aware." She quickly bowed, "We will do well to aid you in taking Konoha," and joined our trio to head to the surface.

What, no more _'Lord Orochimaru'_ s? I'm ashamed. Well... It's probably better to have people in awe of me than to have _dissent_. In a world of _ninja_. I'd do well to have something I can trust at the moment. Fucking Kabuto.

What I gathered from Kabuto was that he'd either updated me on Sasuke yesterday, or he could ONLY confirm that Sasuke hadn't died or something. Because I think _Orochimaru_ of all people would probably flay him alive for that lack of detail. But I'm pretty sure Kabuto is a spy for multiple people, so whatever. He's useful though.

As a side, I don't want him to see me have a _breakdown at how fucked up the story is now._

 _WHY GOD? SMITE ME DOWN!_

I do **_not_** want to be the guy in charge of _replacing Naruto_ or something.

On the bright side - hell if I don't feel powerful enough. That is something I certainly am.

Actually, life is good.

Oh my GOD please give me SOMETHING to do besides being escorted.

We passed through a large underground gym area that let in enough light that I knew we were reaching the exit. It was kind of like an indoor courtyard for people to train in. There were many - 30 to 40 - random ninja spread across in various rooms. Meh. The majority were plain _boring_ ninja, throwing around throwing stars and normal stuff. Most were sparring or doing target practice. More interestingly, a lot were experimenting with different kinds of MAGIC, though most looked like they had no experience with it.

I took a slow look at all the baby faced impressionable youth. _These are children that I would have to care for, and nurture for my budding empire._

Fuck _all of you._ Man, I wish I could shout that at them. I need to vent magic everywhere. No wonder Orochimaru took out his anger on his subordinates - I can't go 5 minutes without having to do something leaderish.

I need to assess what's going on.

I took a deep breath and relaxed. _The benefits outweigh the negatives, the benefits outweigh the negatives._

There were several teachers trying to coach the students, so I decided to listen in to what they were saying.

 _"-Yeah, I know," spoke the_ young WIZARD. _  
_

 _"Good, then. As Kuramochi said, 'You have to tap into the middle of your forearm'," contributed the obese sensei. He.. really shouldn't_ _be a ninja._

 _"But it's hard to get both my hands to co-ordinate it. There's no chakra or anything there."_

 _"Keep practicing."_ Diligent.

... Must've injected them with bloodlines.

Note to self _-_ when I make that 'weird talking and finger movement' gas, inoculate myself. I may even spray it through the floor whenever I get annoyed.

The floor... of this room.

There were the 2 genin from Team Dosu in the Chunin Exams. They were _almost_ acceptable. And the woman bowed and split from our group to join the now young adults. At least she's probably going to inform them of my _heroic rescuing_ of their teammate.

As for them, they were skilled compared to the rest, but then again I hadn't seen jounin. My eyes could track them easily though, so they might have a ways to go. I eyed the girl called Kin throwing senbon so that I'd have _something to do_ while ignoring Tayuya who was slowing us down with inane 'spread the message' shit.

Why aren't we out of here already!? Kill me. Even if it takes being lost, I'm just going to leave my base solo from now on. Heck, I might find more hidden alcoves and things that Orochimaru was working on.

But the woman - she seems important. Why wouldn't I recognise her amongst the team? Hrm.

... Ohhh, right. I stole the body of that woman, didn't I? Duh. She must be extremely skilled! Good on her.

Ahahaha. So mean. Well, I kind of _already_ stole a body this _morning_.

But about the body snatching - that's actually really unfair. Not the woman, but that some kid with two red flashing eyeballs can just "out-soul" _me_. Me of all people. At least it makes sense I could out-soul her, since I'm S-rank and she isn't. Fucking sharingan. No - fucking **_Sasuke_**. _Guh._

We approached our exit. "Well, it's time for me to split. Bye Orochimaru-sama," Tayuya said, bidding her leave. Peace, homie.

"For Otogakure," some token guards said in passing.

"For Otogakure and Orochimaru-sama," Kimimaro replied.

We emerged out front. I got to enjoy a glimpse some beautiful fictional forestry.

I got to feet the long grass ruffle against my feet in my sandals.

"Excellent. Kimimaro, please direct me to a stretch of land that would be fine for me to destroy."

"Right away my Lord."

I jumped up on a tree and examined the entrance. Killer.

That's pretty damn cool. My own _personal_ base. I don't even think Orochimaru gave it a name.

Let's see... Mighty Morphin Command Center? Thunderbirds base? Teletubbies Pink house!?

No. It's too early to decide. I need to first decide on management.

Kimimaro. He'd be perfect for dealing with **tough finicky social situations.**

Kimimaro took to the trees and I followed post-haste."Or-"

I raised my hand, "-Kimimaro. No more talky-talky."

...

...

"AND FUCK MINATO! AND FUCK _JIRAIYA_!" I hissed, obliterating the rocky landscape around me.

 _Wind Release: Great Breakthrough, Wind Release: Great Breakthrough_

"Sir. I have to remind you again that you may attract more ninja," Kimimaro spoke from the cliff, exasperated.

"AND FUCK KARIN AND KUSHINA- No, Kushina is alright - AND FUCK ITACHI!"

I send off a final _Water Release: Hail Barrage_.

I hope I didn't spill anything. Fucking Zetsu could be _anywhere_.

I waited to recover my breath - subtly - I avoided giving away signs of exertion. I assessed Kimimaro.

Kimimaro is trustworthy. I could teach him about his Kaguya heritage.

If you ignore his _crazy Kaguya genetics._ Sheeeeeeeeeesh, that backstory.

There was a squad of people from Iwa. A platoon. I knew they were there, waiting for me to get tired but really, fuck the canon cast. It had to be said. They really were a bunch of self righteous concepts.

I glanced at Kimimaro, then to the squad.

He nodded and quietly jumped down beside me. He spoke, softly, "My master requires me to prove my worth. I shall not let him down."

He turned blackened and ashen, clasping his hands together.

 _"Dance of the Seedling Fern: Bone Forest."_

* * *

Omake: _  
_

Tayuya was looking at me strangely. In fact, she was watching me throughout that entire meeting with Kimimaro, wasn't she?

... She thinks I flinched because I like young boys, doesn't she? Well, _two can play at that game._

"Tayuya, I do not like young _boys,_ " I said, putting a strange amount of emphasis specifically on the word 'boys'.

Tayuya looked aghast, but I continued, "I had noticed your reaction. I merely desire _Sasuke's body_." I then turned to look toward Kimimaro and gestured limply, "His too."

She stammered, "B-But I had never thought that."

"Good. Only a rank amateur would make themselves so obvious."

She scowled before going quiet.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I had too many ideas and plans, so I decided to drop a lot here instead of trying to memorise them all and failing horribly.

* * *

So these guys were clearly not skilled enough. Or what was left of them. Aha aha _aha_.

Anyway, it's a good thing that Iwa - and everyone else - already hates Orochimaru. My karma must be in the pits. Still, I have to give them points for bravery, if nothing else.

Also, _JESUS!_ I'd forgotten that Kimimaro was crazy strong in the anime. This is just... insane. Canon plus - what, like 4 or 5 years more training? And I _know_ I can take him. I must be damn good.

But why the fuck hasn't Orochimaru taken his body yet? Is he an idiot?

I surveyed the environment for any other ninja. Nada. I didn't even need to make my hands do stupid movements to magic snakes into existence.

I could tell that Kimimaro was slightly exhausted, but _still_. These are probably jounin. I ignored the field of bodies. Stupid mooks, thinking that they could touch the great toad sag- snake man. Snake man.

Fuck it, _fine_. Time to break the cardinal rule.

I patted Kimimaro on the back. "Excellent work, Kimimaro-kun."

His eyes widened with shock. "Or-Orochimaru-sama."

I smirked and rewarded my pet crazy person. "Maybe you shall be my next body." That'll placate him.

Ah, the joy on his face. I would be happy to be taken by myself, **Senior Bodysnatch**.

And _finally_ , an opportunity to talk. _  
_

"Kimimaro..." I paused. How am I going to _begin_ to phrase this.

"When I fought with _Itachi_ , he had struck me with a genjutsu. It was _weak_. However, I am going to require your assistance with finding my bases."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," he replied with slightly more vigour despite being exhausted. Obviously proud of getting some fatherly acknowledgment. From me. Senior Bodysnatch.

Really, it seems like Orochimaru's voice alone is just selling whatever I am saying. I could start doing advertisements and people would think 'oh, Orochimaru is doing advertisements. Nothing out of the ordinary'.

But what I really want to know right now is where I am, and where are my bases.

I faced Kimimaro directly. "Kimimaro-kun. Tell us where we are."

He did his best to take a standing posture, though obviously winded. "We are in your Land of Sound sir. We are between the Land of Hot Water and an unclaimed jungle expanse. It leads to Waterfall and Iwa." He then pointed to a particular set of trees. "Over there lies Konoha."

I continued without skipping a beat. "And if _you_ wanted to stake out Konoha, where would you go?"

"Orochimaru-sama, why are you asking me this?"

Should I? Why not. "I will need someone that I can rely upon. I _will_ get Sasuke. To do so, you will need to be my right hand. Beyond Kabuto. No - stop looking at the one attached to my arm." I get that Orochimaru wasn't much into loyalty... But Kimimaro was a fanatic anyway. Makes me wish snakes were the same.

Oh shit. I just realised.

"Hold on a moment."

I push my hands together and shove a bunch of chakra through them, and lo and behold - a Shadow Clone. I knew it! If I have enough chakra for Manda, I can damn well push out a few Shadow Clones. Exactly what the world needs! More _me_.

 _And finally, I get to examine my impressive visage._ Minus that it's dressed in the body of Orochimaru. It'll have to do.

I look like I am experiencing pure nirvana. But then I suppose I would when I get to take my frustrations out with magic.

Anyway as it stands, it's just the one. I attempt to communicate with it, but nothing happens. No kind of reflexive response like with Naruto. I'm thinking maybe I should try again. I disperse the clone.

Ah, I felt a slight mental change there. I wonder if that's the memories from the clone.

Right then. I think 'go look for my bases', and summon my Go-go gadget CLONE. It of course appears, then nods to me and flies off. Sweeeeeeet.

Fuck yeah.

I look back at Kimimaro. Oh right, he had a bone condition didn't he? I'm surprised that he's still here 5 years later. Gotta admire his tenacity. Despite his _crippling boneitis._

I summon another clone to go look for Tsunade before dusting my hands off with a big shit eating grin. This shit is _so_ _easy_! People must practice hand signs here like they're hosting a convention for deaf people.

Ahhh. If this works, I could just send Kimimaro and save my mooks when I take Sasuke. Wait, why am I bothering preserving the story? I could just kill Zetsu. Or Obito. Fucking Obito.

Speaking of clones... I bet by Shippuden all of my subordinates - and Karin - will be 18.

... Maybe I DO have reason to preserve canon.

* * *

Me and Kimimaro sat outside of Konoha, overlooking the village from our cliff.

A burst of ideas came into my mind. _Ohhhhhh_ , right. So, it turns out that I was able to find a base up in what I think is Kumogakure. I had a funny image of myself as Orochimaru holding up a civilian's map frantically pointing at the paper and scowling in his voice. Clone me is an idiot. He basically found that one base and then dispersed while shrugging a lot. He _did_ remember that there was something about fish people that worked for me in a filler episode. I'll need to ask about that.

He couldn't find any hidden alcoves. But come on... Surely if Orochimaru was preparing to fight against the sharingan, he might have some _written logs_ of important information somewhere.

Kimimaro pointed me towards one of my hidden entrances. It looked awfully like a covered over well that I remembered seeing in the anime once. King of originality, Orochimaru is.

To feel like I'm actually doing something, I send some lesser snakes in to search ahead. Kimimaro adopted a wary expression, which gave me the impression that it _is_ safe, and what I'm doing is unnecessary. _Fucking... ninja._

I skulk in with enough finesse to turn the Pink Panther green.

It's a good thing my mooks are trained well. Not a single complaint so far. Life is good.

Oh wait - what if this leads to Danzo? Didn't Orochimaru make his _arm!?_

No, no way. Orochimaru wouldn't be so dumb as to bring his subordinates down a ROOT tunnel.

Oh, but it **_would_** explain how _something something Hashirama's cells_. I'm not even kidding - _'something something Hashirama's cells'_. I don't even remember how they were used but they were talked about _endlessly_ in the end of the show.

I need to figure out if S rankers are any different to normal people. What I gathered from the series is that it's just as easy to lie to an S ranker than to a normal person. No super special ninja skills.

* * *

Hahahahahahaha. No. The answer is no.

"What are you laughing at!?" the boy scowled.

I tried to hold in my laughter, "You! I don't understand why..." I gestured towards my face.

Sasuke was Daniel Radcliffe. Harry Potter.

The field was as empty as I could make it without sending snakes to cut off all the patrolling ANBU.

Sasuke. Or rather, _Daniel Radcliffe_ could _easily_ lie to me right now and I'd have zero clue whatsoever.

 _He always was good at being stoic._

 _FUCKING HARRY POTTER._

 _"Sas.. Sasuke,"_ I squeezed out. _HARRY. FUCKING. POTTER._

I continued, "I can offer you much power... I can teach you _Avada Kedrava_." _  
_

He growled, "Don't make fun of me."

I really really didn't want to, so I put on a serious facade. "Yes..." I coughed, "I can provide training for _that man_. We share a common enemy. You will - of course - have to concede your body to me in return, however."

This is actually brilliant. He hasn't got any ties so far.

He folded his arms. "And if I _don't_?"

" _Well,_ " I replied, then had my very first go at killing intent.

"... What, nothing!?" I exclaimed, exasperated.

"What are you waitin-" he immediately snapped rigid, and almost fell to the floor. Ah, second time's the charm.

I moved closer toward him, still focusing on my intent to slaughter the hell out of him, then projecting it with chakra. _And holy shit is it hard to retain that when you are looking at Daniel Radcliffe's movie expressions.  
_

"Ah ah ah." I waggled my finger. "I think you may have some notion of what I am capable of."

"Par-parlour... tricks," he grunted out through his clenched body. I clapped lightly for him and smirked.

I really should learn how to do the curse mark thing. Oh well, maybe later.

I released the killing intent. "Now. It looks like we have no time to fight today, Sasuke- _kun._ Next time I will send my subordinates," I replied, gesturing to Kimimaro. "If you are interested, you _must_ come join. Otherwise... Well, there will be no Hermione for you. _Silly Gryffindor._ "

I ignored his perplexed expression and slowly walked my way out of the field. I detected high chakra coming my way.

Don't ask me _how_. It's a weak detection thing.

"Orochimaru," spoke an old voice.

OLD NINJAS. SHIT! The worst kind of ninja!

I turned to face... Bandages... Danzo? Oh. Thank god I guess.

"Danzo-san!" I remarked in a pleasantly surprised tone of voice. "I was just enjoying my _visit._ "

He growled. "You cannot do this. Not here. Not in _the day_." I could see the heat behind his cycloptic glare.

"Hm. It was a _necessary action,_ " I affirmed.

"Yes. I gathered," he replied in that tone of voice that seemed to say 'look around'. It was like waiting for an invisible audience to clap.

"... Still," he begrudging continued, "I can understand your desire to seek the young boy. But surely this is not how things should play, considering what may happen at the upcoming Chunin exams if we were to be _the hosts of such an event_."

Is he stalling me or something? OH. Ohhhh.

I take a long pause and smirk. "I, of course, can provide _much help_ for _that man_. We share a common goal, future Kage." I paused. "You will - of course - have to concede Sasuke's body to me in return, however." This was getting familiar.

I finished, "... But some things just _cannot wait_. Konoha's _potential_ ought to not... _fester_."

"Obviously," he replied in a plain tone. "Go."

I made my leave quickly. By the time I was out of hearing range I got behind some trees. More signatures were coming in.

I turned to face Kimimaro unnaturally quickly, "Let's blow this popsickle stand! Boogies are onto us."

We made our escape.

 _Didn't Danzo look like Danny Trejo? Weird_.

* * *

 _..._

High above on the Hokage Monument.

 _A tall young adult and his cloak of chakra stood overlooking the village of Konoha. He sat, bow legged and focused his senses. Through them, his focus came to rest on an Uchiha. The fellow teen was training alone beside a large lake, practicing fireballs. His anger seemed to exhaust him and result in worse chakra control._

 _And through it, he attacked an imaginary foe with a subtle longing, as if grieving._

 _The boy on the rocky cliff sighed. Everything he stood for came down to protect his village. But would it be worth it to protect the few over the majority? Even for those you may not technically know?_

 _For a world you might not know? Everything was subtly different. The academy was a longer school. Even having been here 2 years, joining Sasuke's classroom - even Sakura wasn't the same Sakura that he once knew. He could only keep up his prankster side for so long until his patience ran out._

 _He rewove the bandages on his missing forearm. It was a tick he was starting to develop when he was nervous._

 _Orochimaru was_ goading _Sasuke. He had never met Sasuke before their team. Why hasn't he attempted to take him?_

 _He frowned. But Orochimaru - for how big he was at the time - was still a small fry. He needed to find his true enemies. Madara, Zetsu, Kaguya. To help Konoha and save a friend that didn't exist._

 _But he couldn't tell Jiji about Danzo. Danzo didn't kill him._

 _"I'll be back. When I've helped out Yagura, Gaara and everyone. When I've beaten Akatsuki. And I_ will _be back, to defend Konoha and my friends," as he did, 2 years ago. Although his ultimate goal was to stop Madara and Akatsuki, he needed to see Konoha fixed from the ground up. Especially for whenever he can meet Tsunade and ask her to heal his injuries. It would be a_ bad _showing if she saw Konoha in need.  
_

 _He sank his blonde head onto his palm, bemused. Maybe then she'll help him get some strength back.  
_

 _"Quit your whining," rumbled the chakra beast. "You'll get your Team 7 back soon."_

 _"Come on," his half-masked ANBU cohort called brusquely. Picking the right moment to interrupt, as always._

 _Sometimes he thought that all his sensei saw in him were_ his parents _. It would make sense, if he had truly gone missing._

 _He put back on his Owl mask. "Alright alright Kakashi-sensei. I just miss it, is all."_

* * *

 _..._

 _Outside of Konoha._

I calmly assessed my situation. I was in a state of zen.

That was one of the oddest experiences I have _ever had_ , I reflected as I left Konoha. The ANBU behind us were getting frustrated and just throwing random ninjutsu at this point.

This would be the perfect moment to drop the 'speak nonsense' gas, and just stand by and laugh at them.

I honestly should fight these people if I want to practice fighting. But no, I'd get rushed horrifically.

My shadow clone burst in its search for Tsunade. I quickly examined the memory.

 _"Hello, Princess," I spoke, silently._

 _I took in the look of Tsunade gazing at me with desire, before scowling and returning to nurse her drink. Holy hell she is hot. It's like looking at a living Monet painting.  
_

 _She stood up and stared at me before jabbing me in the ribs._

 _"Owwie owwie owwie-"_

 _"-Don't fucking use shadow clones! At least come here in_ person _!"_

And the shadow clone burst.

And that was that. I wonder where Naruto was.

* * *

Marked:  
Mysterious Person Nobody Can Ever Guess  
Iwagakure  
Konohagakure


End file.
